This coming year, I will litigate cases like a professional athlete . . . . . .
When I win a MSJ at oral argument, I will stop, look to the heavens momentarily, then look down and kiss both of my biceps.
When I lose a MSJ at oral argument, I will hold my arms out, look at the Judge for a few seconds with the “are you kidding me” look, look away, slowly shake my head in disbelief, and flash the “you’re a f…ing idiot” look.
When I win a significant motion in limine, I will throw my arms down, flex my biceps, run around the counsel tables, looking sideways and yelling.
When I lose a significant motion in limine, I will look at the Judge and slap my forearm repeatedly with the disbelieving “where’s the foul” look.
When my trial objection is sustained, I will walk over and chest-bump opposing counsel, wag my finger at him, shake my head, and yell “don’t try me again”!
When my trial objection is overruled, I will look at my second chair co-counsel with the questioning “where were you” look.
When the jury returns a favorable verdict, I will jump up, stand, throw out my chest, throw my pen down to the floor, slide sideways two steps and spin around, drop to one knee, bow my head, cross my chest, look to the heavens, say a few words, stand up, butt foreheads with my second chair co-counsel, and slowly walk out.
When the jury returns an unfavorable verdict, I will look at them in disbelief, slowly shake my head, look dejectedly at the ground, slap the butt of my second chair co-counsel, and walk out with my head bowed.
When I see opposing counsel in the hall after the trial, I will walk up to him, grab him by the back of the head, dramatically touch foreheads with him for a few seconds, privately whisper a few words in his ear, then turn around and walk away, flush with victory.
When interviewed outside the courtroom by the Daily Transcript about the trial victory, I will do one of two things:
- I will say “I told that hack on the other side not to try me, not to take this case to trial against me, that there could be only one result when you go to trial against me, a loss”, and then apologize profusely whenever and wherever possible for my comments for the next few weeks; or,
- I will say that it was a team effort, that my trial team just kept fighting to the end, that I couldn’t have won without my client, second chair co-counsel, trial team, excellent staff and partners, and the love and support of my wife and children, that it was a close case that could have gone either way, and that my opposing counsel is a great lawyer – and then thank heaven for the victory.
When interviewed outside the courtroom by the Daily Transcript about the trial loss, I will do one of two things:
- I will say “the judge was awful, he took the case away from us with lousy rulings, he clearly had his mind made up about this case from the start, what a hack, we really need to take a good look at who we are putting on the bench in this state”, and then apologize profusely whenever and wherever possible for my comments for the next few weeks; or,
- I will say that I feel poorly for our client, that I are obviously unhappy about the loss but that my opponent tried a good case and I respect the jury and its decision, and that after getting a little rest I will be looking at the result to determine whether there are issues that an appellate court should review to insure that justice was done in this matter.
As I head back to my office after the trial victory, I will trot away in slow motion, waving one finger in the air for the victory.
As I head back to the office after the trial loss, I will walk quickly, briefcase in hand, red Beats headphones on, stern-faced, eyes forward, acknowledging no one.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I will litigate cases this year like a professional athlete!